Those that take for granted what and who life bestows on us all. No, not everything is wonderful in life...Not by a long shot and the same with those we have known or will yet come to know in each of our own lives, but the fact that even they can stir emotion, ANY emotion is nothing short of miraculous, no matter what that emotion may be. I know I sound like one of those cheesy "Life is beautiful" bouncy people, but in a way it's just that. Of course there are the beautiful moments and amazing souls who for a time intertwine their paths with our own and those, without having to give example that you think of automatically good or bad, but there's the moments and others who, through trials, tribulation or other happenings help shape who and what you are. Those are the times, looking back that are astounding to me....To think upon something and someone who has had such an impact and not only that but to be thankful for it. Even perhaps one day refer to is as it's own momentous miracle. For it was in that moment and others like it that I became the person I am today. I mean I've read a few answers from friends and from strangers, and most are ones I can indentify and relate to, but it's those, the ones that I've read from friends and loved ones that I feel the most sorrow for and yet not. Take for example a few friends here who spoke of being hurt by liars and those, in turn, replying by speaking of those who shouldn't  be allowed or permitted to express themselves online, much less "plug in," what's happening now and what has happened you should all reflect on with at least a high respect for the moment if not some other stronger emotion, because be it love, rage, pain, it's helped mold you. To make you a better, more honest human being and friend, or to continue down the path that will do nothing but continue to a more permenant seperation as both friends or otherwise is all up to you to decide as with every moment in life. So please, by all means, through the good and bad, savor what life throws our way, even if it's at times much more of a load we aren't up to carrying or even actually could, because even then at least we're in that moment, feeling and getting through it the best we can and like I said....ANY emotion is a miracle and does nothing short of change us with each situation and second we do just that.....feel. 

I've thoroughly decided that my OB/GYN for this baby's birth should stick to what he knows best because diagnosing anything else that has nothing to do with female genetallia's deffinetely NOT in his reptiore
In other words I've had Pneumonia for a week now and have been taking sudafed and tylenol to try and cure it based on his assumption from looking at my ears and mouth for all of one minute that I suffered from nothing more than the common cold or at most a light flu...
I mean the man said "open your mouth and say Ah" I did and he told me last thursday as I tried my best to talk through lack of voice skills that my throat looked good and my tonsils looked great
What's so amazingly astounding about that phrase was that so far to my or anyone else's knowledge, other doctors included, my tonsils haven't been part of my anatomy since I was 10 years old...So how he knew of the state of them was nothing short of miracle
And now, thanks to his knock it out of the park miss diagnosis on his part and my miss assumption and bad attempt at decifering his handwriting in the note given for those lovely people at Workforce Services who dispense me my federal money each month while I'm pregnant (See he wrote I had a cold and the medication he recomended...I told him to do that and to please put the number of days I was to stay home and rest because they needed any and every note stating I couldn't work at my job) I recieved a letter in the mail saying I was found to be not in participation of the plan made for me by my case worker and because of such next month the benefits I receive will be $100 less
See in his note after saying what he thought I had and what I needed to take and with what I'd told him I needed, he left at the very end what looked to be a 5x, which I only assumed was this doctor's jargain for a 5 day absence from work as did my mother and Kenny....So, that said I took a copy to my job and they were cool with it, then took the original to my case worker and kept a copy for
myself....Anyway, upon getting this letter that confused the fuck out of me in regards to my "lack of participation" I called and spoke with her. She finally just admitted that because Dmitri and I've been prettymuch almost constantly ill (Me especially) she'd began about a month or so ago calling and verifying with my family doctor that I had indeed been to see her and that the notes she sent
were indeed valid. They were and always have been since I go to her for anything but the baby stuff since she doesn't do that. The only reason I didn't last week was I was already scheduled for my monthly baby appt. and figured well...He's a doctor, I'm pregnant and his patient, he could figure it out and I wouldn't have to have another appt...you know, kill two birds with one stone sort of ideas
Yeah, that went well....~rme~ So, my caseworker called his office and spoke to him. He said that yes as stated in the note I probably had nothing worse than the flu and that no he didn't  say I needed time off from work so what the hell the 5x at the end of the paper he gave me is I have no idea what! Upon hearing that from him she jumped at the chance to get me in trouble and did. Then again this
is a woman who actually asked with avid curiosity why since I was engaged to Kenny anyway I didn't just go ahead and marry him so he could support me and they could stop my benefits....Then looked at me like I was the crazy one when I blatenly told her that for me, though yes I am engaged, Marriage was and is still a very big decision and commitment. One with which I feel needs to be made when I see fit and for much better reasons than money.
She's also told me that she's had three kids and that pregnancy was no reason not to be out of a job or used as an excuse not to work. That she knew women, herself included that would just have to cowboy up (it's Utah, just go with the bad slang) go throw up or whatever and get back to work, and told me yesterday afternoon that being a little sick with a cold was also no excuse to have missed those 5 days, two of which were weekends days so it actually was three...Funny how she gets upset but my boss at the fairgrounds just said get better and take care of the baby I'm carrying ~shrugs~ Anyway, when she said that I said "It should when the job that YOU yourself placed me was for a receptionist and I literally had no voice with which to answer any phone calls" she then told me that, that shouldn't have stopped me and I should've asked my boss Rhonda what else I could do to make up my time there and said I should've asked if the janitors needed help clearing things from the expo arena and such....~sighs~ To which I reminded her that the reason she'd placed me there as a receptionist in the first place was because my doctor back at the begining of January when she tried then to get me in trouble for being sick sent a letter again stating that I couldn't possibly work more than 20 hours a week (because she'd told me she'd start me out at 20 and then by the end of the month have me to 40) due to the fact that not only was I pregnant and being watched more closely because of the higher risk to contracting pneumonia, but that I've been diagnosed with Tachacardia as well so the combination of the disease and being pregnant was really bad and that I wasn't to be doing ANY physical labor....She blew me off when I reminded her of that and reverted back to saying that I should've went anyway. So, I asked her since I was  going to see my family doctor later in the evening anyway, that if she says it's something else, something more and that I do need to stay home and
states it in the notes she sends would this whole thing be reversed. I admited to reading the note sent by my OB wrong....Said that was my fault for assuming what everyone else who'd seen it did to but she told me that whatever my  family doctor wrote or sent wouldn't do a thing for the 5 no wait 3 days I missed because it would be "after the fact" so my lack of participation still stands no
matter what. When I told my family doc about what happened she rolled her eyes and said "Wow, government'll do anything to bullshit you won't they"
Then when she heard me wheezing and saw how low my oxygen was she asked why I'd waited all weekend for an appointment with her and didn't just go to the ER like Kenny was trying to get me to do all weekend...I said I didn't wanna be admited for pneumonia...I had been before and I hated it.
she told me to stop being so damned stubborn....then they gave me a steroid shot in my butt to open my lungs since I've got asthma then thoroughly looked me over and listened and said that yup I'd gotten pneumonia again...She gave me three different prescriptions and an order for a home nebulizer for me to do breathing treatments with a more agressive form of asthma medication since my lungs were so closed off that though I thought it was helping my regular inhaler medication wasn't getting close to being able to pass into my lungs they were so cut off...oh and that a 102.4 temp was a little bit more concearning than what would be for a common cold
 She appologized that I was miss diagnosed and gave me another note which was delivered to my caseworker today. The last thing my fam doc said was I'll talk to her and let her know exactly what's going on if she wants to nitpick,.....So, here I am...Pneumonia and all, barely able to talk but at least I'm not confined to a lumpy bed watching judge joe brown with IV tubes everywhere Sad thing is, the money I get a month wouldn't pay my head out of a paper bag.
I get issued $380 a month...The job I'm placed and is mandatory to have placement in the federal aid plan says unless authorised by a doctor for a resonable and specific medical condition the minimum hours I'm to complete each week is 20
not including the time taken out from work for the mandatory meetings I have to attend with my caseworker and her supervisor that normally take no less than 1 1/2 hours...No, see I miss for anything, even what they need me to do, I have to make up the hours....and was only told just yesterday that I'm actually only allowed to be alotted one day a month to be sick or whatever...I said funny how I've been doing the unpaid internship THEY made me do for going on two months now and this was the first I've heard of that rule
But then she throws back with  her famous "Well you know you don't have to do this....This isn't an obligation, you could always just quit and quite getting the benefits"
Yeah....I've got the doc's letters to prove it and it bugs the shit out of her since what I'm doing and keeping her informed of everything is what they say they need for illness and complications
And if I hadn't been having such repetitive and dibilitating complications and illness this pregnancy around I wouldn't even be on a benefits program...I'd be out working a real job that's worth it because right now I'm making what? $2 an hour or so?
I know....it just sucks...I feel like a bum because I'm getting money this way....it's the first time in my life I've ever had to and it was rediculously hard to get approved for even what little I do get

Ok so this is my first LJ post....Congratulations to me I guess.
For those of you who may find it appealing to read the thoughts, ideas, and suggestions of an incredibly blunt person by all means continue on, but do so of your own volition and please keep in mind this is me. This is me in moments of frustration, happiness and any other emotion in between. Don't like that I write so much at once? No one's forcing you to continue reading. Don't like the subject matter of an entry? Don't care. It's MY journal and yeah maybe some of my views or opinions at the time may be skewed. Who's aren't at least one point or another in life?! Again I write here strictly for me to help vent or revel, to keep a memory or just post music written. This journal will not be cencored or edited to save face or  to appease those who feel the urge to take a look into how I feel at the moment I leave any entry. Guess this paragraph is just my own version of a Surgeon General's Warning...Therefore, you have been warned!!!

So yeah it may be wrong for this to be my first entry but hey....it's what's on my mind at the moment. Actually some of these things have been on my mind awhile. Why? I have no clue, or why some of it's been rubbing me the wrong way lately. Some things written in this entry have absolutely really nothing to do with me and are none of my business. So why write about them you ask? Well because I've tried the whole staying silent thing, the caring friend thing, and of course the reminding myself that indeed this is none of my business so having an opinion or caring at all isn't my place...But still it knaws.

Ever hear that saying Love is Blind? I think everyone has so stupid question. From what I've seen these last few months that saying HAS to be true. I have a friend who seems to be blind or dillusional one of the two. See, he's fallen head over her heels for another. It should be great and lovely and blah blah blah, but well it's not. See, she's already in a relationship with another and loves him. Infact she broke up with him to return to the man she's with now. That in and of itself should say something....something HUGE! But again as the saying goes....Love it blind. Why does this bother me? Like I said...I have no idea....it really shouldn't but it does...maybe it's because he speaks of the idiocy of her current man and his stalkative ways while he admitedly has at times provoked the other man yet claims to the girl he respects her boundaries. I guess in a way it bothers me because he doesn't see it. He sees himself as being blatently right and the obvious choice for the girl, a girl in which I might add won't even speak to him on the phone nor ever has. Wouldn't one with deep feelings want to persue further feelings to another level? Yes I understand taking things slow but c'mon. His '"blindness" in love has become rediculous and while he takes time to tell others of what they're doing or saying wrong there's no telling him the same. I've tried in the nicest ways I know how but like the other man he accuses of hearing what he only wants to hear, my friend does the same. Maybe I'm writing about it here just to release the frustration of feeling like` I'm beating my head against a wall to try and make him see how reality is. I fear he may end up missing the chance of a lifetime hung up on another that doesn't care as much as he'd like to believe. Other mutual friends have seen it and commented the same as well as the same frustration...Then again what do I know?! My fiance and father of my unborn child decided just before moving in with me to put his fingers where they never should've been so it's not like I do much better....Then again I wasn't blind enough to just let it pass or see the wrong in broken promises. I guess what it comes down to is the fact that I'd love to say...."WAKE UP MAN!!! Take off the blinders and look at reality....Move on, back off, let them be and if this was the best experience you've had with falling in love then you have no clue how great it can be...for that I hope one day you will, but stop putting others and their feelings on the back burner because that's what you're doing. Just like the other man you in your own way have ostricised those who care and were at one point closest to you....FIX IT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE." Again I'm sorry on just venting on a subject that I KNOW has nothing to do with me, but well...How else'm I going to get it out?! Telling him, just like he says of the other man, does absolutely no good at all. I write this in an effort to just let stupid shit go myself.